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My Idea of Heaven

If I were a god, I’d make a lot of milkshakes

Pour them down on people

Watch them all go crazy.

If I were a god, I’d fry a lot of bacon

Put it in the milkshakes.

My idea of heaven.

Bacon in a milkshake

My idea of heaven.

If I were a genius, I could make you love me

But I’m not a genius

‘Cause nobody loves me.

If I were a genius, I could write equations. 

I could pass the math test, but I’d never solve them.

If I were a bottle, I could swallow vodka

Walking into brick walls acting like my father.

If I crack a bottle I could swim in whiskey

I’d forget my lover ‘cause she doesn’t miss me.

If I were a record, I’d be getting dizzy

Spinning round in circles sticking needles in me,

If I were a record, I’d be wearing vinyl

Dressing like a rock star going out of style.

If I were a cell phone, I’d call in a bomb threat

Almost got arrested but I shot the sheriff.

If I were a cell phone, we could learn our lesson.

I would leave a voicemail if ya’ leave a message.

If I were a god, I’d fry a lot of bacon

Put it in the milkshakes

My idea of heaven.

If I were a god, I’d find it quite perplexing

Balancing the bacon trying to please the vegans,

Bringing home the bacon

But I love the vegans.